Elizabeth PW, Live Your Truth
Elizabeth PW, a faculty member of the 2010 Social Media Telesummit, recently wrote 2 blog posts that got me thinking. Actually, her blog makes me think all the time. However, there were 2 things that she wrote recently that is prompting this blog post:
- As a woman, I need to tap into my feminine energy.
- That authenticity and transparency is great, but being vulnerable is way better.
Leesa Barnes: The Tomboy Turned Tough Gal
Growing up, I was a tomboy.
I found more interest playing soccer in the field with the boys than skipping in the playground with the girls.
What the girls did was so very boring. Talking about hair, makeup and which boy was the cutest.
Whatever.
What the boys did was fun. They played sports, they talked about cars and they could have a fist fight one minute then go out and pick each other to play on the same team the next.
From elementary school to university, my only focus was basketball. Anything “girlie” I stayed away from. I paid no attention to my hair, my nails or what I wore. I still attracted guys as a tomboy, so in my eyes, there was no need to change.
Leesa Barnes: The Tough Gal Turned Alpha Female
The last serious relationship I was in ended when I was 30-years old. He was a great guy, but after dating for 5-years, the relationship ran its course.
Plus, I started going back to church and he was so not interested.
Because my God was more important, I ended the relationship. Interesting, huh? I gave up an earthly man after falling in love with a Heavenly One.
Heh.
The one thing my ex told me was a huge problem in our relationship was that I was a poor communicator and I never leaned on him for help.
Boy, I sound like I was the dude in the relationshp, huh?
Yup, that was the tomboy in me. “I can do it all by myself.” So, like a dude, I shrugged off his complaint, calling him bitter and went on with my so-called life.
How Dating Showed Me that Being an Alpha Female Sucked
The last 5-years has been interesting (it’ll be 6-years as of January 12th). I’ve dated different men. Both men within my faith and those not in it.
There was this one guy, a chef, who was quite a character. He was from Quebec and wooed me with his French (I just
love a man who can speak French and can cook – great combination). He was a dreamer and spoke of all the wonderful things we would do together.
So, what was the problem? He wanted to date, move in and have babies all in the same week that we met.
Can I hear creepy?
Then, there was the married man from my church. He wanted a website done for his business. So, we met at one of my favourite restaurants and when he arrived, he told me how beautiful I looked.
Okay…
Then, after he ordered his meal (I started eating without him because he was late), instead of asking me what type of programming language do I use to power my websites, he asked:
“Where’s the craziest place you’ve ever had sex?”
I almost choked on my green tea. Or jasmine rice. Well, I don’t remember the substance, but I do remember being utterly surprised by his query.
Instead of answering the most ridiculous question he has ever asked in his natural life, I asked him about his marriage. He shared that things weren’t going well and that he’s totally attracted to me and he’d love to do stuff with me…
Let’s just say that like Joseph in the Bible, I had to flee that conversation. Literally. Left my Pad Thai Chicken behind (that’s when I was still eating meat).
That incident made me restructure my business in one day so that I no longer met with people in person to talk about “websites.” And I avoided that dude like a locust plague at my church until he apologized. And even then, I still avoid him.
It also made me wonder why was I attracting these deadbeats.
Why I (Finally) Attracted the Greatest Man Ever
Studying the Bible has revealed many different things in many different ways. I knew that the answer to my problem would be in the good book.
So, I started looking at the various women in the Bible, those who left a legacy. Women like Queen Esther, Rebekah, Sarah, Hannah, Abigail, the prophet Deborah and other women who seemed so strong, but had such amazing relationships with the men in their lives.
And then it hit me – at various points in their lives, these Biblical women showed love, respect, but most of all, vulnerability.
I finally realized that to be vulnerable isn’t really a bad thing. So, I started practicing:
- When a man opened a door for me, instead of stepping aside and motioning for him to go through first, I proudly walked through and thanked him for being so considerate (the men in Dallas do this even in elevators – love it)
- When a man paid for dinner on a date, I no longer fought him so I could pay my share. I let it go.
- I started to praise the men in my life who did things for me. Even if they didn’t do it the way I liked, instead of criticizing, I thanked them for their generosity and thoughtfulness.
- And I started to lean on the men in my life to help me with the more “manly” things.
I finally saw that tapping into my feminine power didn’t leave me powerless. That I could give up the Alpha Female and still be an amazing, smart business woman.
And in that 2-year period I was becoming more in tune with my feminine energy, it was coming through in all areas of my life. My business was better, my appearance was improving, my relationships with clients and family members were better. One of my best guy friends who’s known me for close to 20-years said that I was becoming more likable.
And then he showed up.
I’ve known him for 2-years. I was introduced to him back in 2008. He was tall (still is), cute (still is) and he had a girlfriend (well, he got rid of that problem). He did websites. I no longer did after my encounter with the married man. So, I started to refer business his way. We would talk occassionally about personal stuff. But most of our conversations were focused on business.
But 2-weeks after attending Shine and sharing my own vulnerabilities, something changed between he and I. And it’s been an amazing ride since then. For the first time in almost 6-years, I have a man worthy enough to introduce to my family. And I so can’t wait until they meet him.
Why Social Media Is a Three Pronged Approach to Profitability
Authenticity and transparency are those buzz words you keep hearing when people talk about social media. But what’s missing is vulnerability. Elizabeth PW defines vulnerability this way:
“Share the whole story about something. The bad side of what didn’t work out. The truth of the project that failed. How your business is great but your personal life has gone to heck. What’s not working in your business. And of course, share how you are turning it around, the lessons you have learned, what you are changing for next time.”
I know that each speaker at the 2010 Social Media Telesummit will be sharing their own vulnerabilities. The things that didn’t work. Why they failed. And the lessons learned from that experience.
(BTW, I’m providing sneak peeks through my preview call series. You can sign up for them on the front page.)
And yes, being vulnerable is scary. I mean, I just shared my dating history to compare that experience to how we use social media. This leaves me open. It leaves me exposed.
Egad! Someone could injure me.
But I’ve learned that being vulnerable doesn’t mean people will harm me. Quite the opposite. Being vulnerable creates professional and emotional intimacy between me, you and those who want to belong to my tribe. And that’s why being vulnerable in social media is such a good thing.
It’s no longer enough to be authentic. It’s no longer enough to be transparent. One also needs to be vulnerable in order to attract their ideal client using social media.
Your market demands this.
Now, excuse me. The greatest man ever is calling.
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Great. Loving It. I need to try on vulnerability. It is so refreshing to hear after reading articles where women are saying that they need to be stronger and tougher in the work environment.
I definitely think that different situations call for different moods. For example, you can be tough and strong at work, but remember that when dating or in a marriage, it's ok to let that toughness go. You won't be any less a woman should you decide to be a little softer in your relationships.
Thanks for the comment Leesa. I think you are right.
Hi Leesa, thanks for this post. A lot of guys out there crave the ¨feminity¨ of a woman – that's why we build all these things you see, cars, houses, make money, etc. otherwise we'd be in cave piled up on each other (that's why we play football) drinking to oblivion and take turn to go and kill the next meal. And don't worry about your moods and that day of the month because we can take it baby, you are the girl! We ask little, just love the man in the man and do much in return! AM
Oh, Alpha Man, you're so silly 😉 I think it's hilarious that you say that as men “we ask little”, but then you say “do much in return.” No wonder ladies are from Venus, men from Mars – we'll never be in sync with our “love” language. But, at the end of the day, I think many women are craving to show their femininity. At least that's the trend I'm seeing now.
Yes I am silly, I am french (from Montreal living in USA), lawyer by trade, I cook and believe that a man who asks too much of a woman is in fact still a boy in great need of manhood. I am good at seduction and I suck at really understanding a woman in a way that she will experience being understood – thats my goal with my actual feminine girlfriend + start family #2. Merci et Bonne Nuit!
Vulnerable, yes, but also very brave, Leesa. Another great article from a woman I admire. Thank you for sharing some of the personal side of your business journey – it helps all of us to gain perspective about our own paths. And it’s great to know you’ve found a guy that deserves you.
As a side note, you are so right about the men from Dallas opening doors – when I first moved here from the Northwest in 1983, I was more than a bit surprised by the constant door opening – it just didn't happen that way where I was from. One of my male colleagues told me one day “you had better learn to pace yourself on the way to the door and graciously accept men opening physical doors for you here if you want to really succeed in business.” He was right. It wasn't the opening of doors per se, it was slowing down a bit, being attentive to social norms that were different from what I was accustomed to, and, as you said so well, taking time to say thank you – not only for big things but for small courtesies. Some of the best advice I've ever received.
I've been hearing that word alot – brave. I decided recently to unveil a bit
more about me and my personal journeys because it relates so much to my
business life as well. Learned that thru attending Shine.
I just LOVE Dallas men. I knew about the Texan hospitality, so I actually
expected men to hold doors open for me when I was there for a conference a
few months back. Every time a man held the door open for me, I was gracious
and thankful. It was a lovely way for me to practice being a lady 😉
And I love what you said – it was more than just opening doors. “It was
slowing down a bit, being attentive to social norms that were different from
what I was accustomed to, and, as you said so well, taking time to say thank
you.” I think that's how we should use social media – to help us slow down,
be attentive and say thank you. Thanks for that.
Leesa,
Thank you so much for sharing this post and for highlighting the value of vulnerability in social media / business. This has been a focus point that has been coming up for me over and over again over the last few months as well. Although our histories are different in the details, our pattern of resisting vulnerability in the past rings familiar. I have recently learned that leaning in to this element is part of my life lesson – fun right?! ☺
The energy you are expressing here in this post coupled by what is being drawn to you in your life with this shift compeltely suits you. And I am thrilled to hear how “yummy” things are aligning for you as a result. Keep it coming my friend!
😉
Amy
Oh, resisting vulnerability, yes, that's what I did for soooooooooooooooo
long. It's actually very freeing to be in this place. I hope to share more
about this journey and I can't wait to hear yours, Amy.
Thank you, Leesa, for your honesty and openness. I too appreciate gentlemen, but, because many haven't been raised that way, it is hard to know how much to expect. I'm so happy for you in finding a godly man. They are so rare! You're a great example and I appreciate you.
Katy, it's been a 5-year journey. 5-years. Some godly men say they're
god-fearing, but as I get to know them, they're anything but. It's so
refreshing to finally meet someone who says he's god-fearing and actually
is. Can't reveal what that is right now, but I will in a future blog post.
Good tie in to social media Leesa. Oh, and loved the story, glad you caught the light, us guys appreciate it! 😉
Oh Leesa, you are singing my song, sister…except for the being tall and athletic part! I wasn't a tomboy, but married a man and then became the 'mommy-wife' where i took care of everything. While I was married I was much more in the male role. Since being divorced for 4 years, I've also been doing the dating thing and finding my feminine side. It's been magical to allow men to be men, because truthfully, they love to care for their women. And we women blow it so badly by being such tough-girls.
I'm really happy you have found your softer side and allowed a beautiful man into your life. Keep me posted on how its going, and know I'm rooting for you!
I think us ladies are finally figuring out that it's way okay to be “the girl” and let the boys be boys. Everyone's happy when that happens.
And no worries about being tall and athletic. It has its drawbacks. For example, everyone expects you to help to get things off the top shelf in the grocery store because “Oh, you're tall, can you get that for me?”
Leesa, This is better than The Bachelor. Thanks for introducing the next level of social media in this post. 😉 Dulcita
Ooh very cool, I love the way you weaved your personal life in. See, that vulnerability thing shining through again. 🙂 Congrats my dear!
I am so excited for you Leesa! Both about your general being okay w/ being vulnerable & about your new guy — this guy sounds so yummy (especially since you have known each other for a long time, he's prescreened).
And thank you so much for reading my stuff & citing me & you are welcome for any help that I provided. 🙂
I try to be a Canadian version of you every day. But to be honest – I don't know how you and Scott stay interesting in **EVERY** blog post all the time. Now that's a skill.
And yes, he's totally yummy. So totally yummy. Can't wait to introduce him to all my friends too 🙂