“The only time I feel lonely as a single person is when I come to church.”

I expressed those words to my pastor. He was facilitating a discussion around the advantages and disadvantages around being a single person in the church.

The room was filled with a variety of singles – divorced singles, widowed singles, singles who have never been married, and single parents.

Of course, the majority in the group were women (I’d put the number at 80%), which is one of the disadvantages of being a single woman in the church.

I stayed quiet for the majority of the discussion. I did so because I wasn’t sure where the discussion would go.

I’ve come to look at my marital status, not as a curse, but as a gift. Should my Creator want me to be married, it will happen. Should the Divine want me to stay unmarried, then that’s fine.

I do not define myself by my singleness because I’m much more nuanced than that. Instead, I define myself by whether or not I’m pursuing the purpose put on my life.

(and how history will define me in 100, 200, 500 years)

The pastor was a bit surprised by what I said. So, he asked for clarification:

“Why would you feel lonely when you come to church?” he asked.

And then I, the writer, the storyteller, told my story…

I shared the following:

“Because it’s church people who hold up my left hand, run their fingers across them, and say, ‘Oh, no ring yet?”

“Because it’s church people who tell me to hurry up, get married, and have babies because time is running out.”

“Because it’s church people who come up to me and say ‘I’m surprised that a woman as beautiful and intelligent as you are isn’t married yet. Why can’t you find a man?'”

“Because it’s the church that celebrates married love on Valentine’s Day while the singles simply stare and are reminded that they are not loved by anyone.”

“Because it’s church members who do not invite me, a single, to life events . No invitations to marriage ceremonies because as a single, I’m not married. No invitations to baby showers because as a single, I’m not a parent. No invitations to engagement parties because as a single, I’m not engaged, nor about to get married.”

“I could be the best of friends with the person and they won’t invite me to any of these life events. I could teach their child in Sabbath/Sunday, say words of encouragement to the mom about their wonderful child, and they’ll invite the whole damn church, but not me because I’m single.”

“Because it’s married women who can’t be in sisterhood with me because they think I’m out to steal their husband. So, they clutch at his arm like they’re clutching at a string of pearls around their neck.”

“Because it’s the church that gives flowers to mothers on Mother’s Day and ignores the aunts, the godmothers, the spiritual moms, the moms who have lost children, the foster moms, and other ways in which women who may not have had children pass through their wombs, and who contribute to the spiritual, emotional, and physical growth of other women’s children.”

“Because it’s pastors who preach messages to help married people stay married, but not preach messages to help single people not feel like they are damaged.”

“Because it’s in the church that women’s ministries hold seminars for single women to help them wait for their Boaz, but no one is teaching them how to, instead, live a vibrant, full life.”

“Because it’s in the church where single women learn that unless their milestones are getting engaged, getting married, getting pregnant, or having a baby, that any other personal or professional milestone really doesn’t matter.”

“The church does such a good job affirming women who are married and women who are mothers, yet it excludes women who are not married and who are not mothers. No one affirms my existence as a woman who is living a full life. No one celebrates the personal and professional milestones that are important to me because these milestones don’t focus on being engaged, getting marriage, or being pregnant. Instead, I’m told that I’m too picky, too selfish, and too self-absorbed. I only hear those judgemental words when I enter into the church. Sometimes, I smile and try to be polite. Other times, I lash out with anger at their insensitive words. Most times, I dodge the very people who only have critiques and insensitive words for my ‘plight’ as a single person. And for that reason, the only time I feel lonely is when I come to church.”

The air felt like it left the room. I could feel the emotion in my chest, the tears sat close to my eyelids. I quickly scanned the room to get my emotions focused on something else.

The other singles were quiet. Some were nodding their heads. Others were looking down.The room was silent.

That’s when my pastor said:

“We need to change how we speak to singles.”

As I share this reality, I’m not looking for advice…

I’m not looking for your Bible verses of encouragement. I have shelves of BOOKS given by well-meaning church goers who feel I need encouragement from yet another book for singles.

I’m not looking for your fix or solution. The article above is a collection of what I’ve heard and encountered over the years.

Do not tell me to work on myself and it’ll get better. I did that and only if you’ve done that feat will I even listen to you.

Do not centre yourself in my experience. Don’t tell me “Married people too.” I don’t want to hear it.

Do not DENY my experience by sharing that you waiting for years and then at 50 you got married, so don’t worry, your time in coming. I’ve heard enough of that.

Because by doing any of the things I listed above, you’re doing EXACTLY what I’m writing about.

Instead, sit with my words…

Ask yourself why my words trigger you.

Just let my words soak in.

And aim to be better in how you treat the single people in your life.

If you’re SINGLE, share your experience below. Or, you can join the lively discussion on my Facebook profile. This is a single affirming space.

If you’re MARRIED, just simply READ, LISTEN, and TAKE IN.