What I Want Now That I’m In My 40s

This was originally posted on Facebook. I’m adding it to my blog so I have a record of my words on my own space.

Ever since moving into my early 40s, I’ve been thinking about my late 20s…

That was a time I truly felt I was in my zone. I was working full-time as a software project manager for Sun Microsystems. I was living downtown Toronto on my own and had no need to own a car because I could walk/cab anywhere I needed to go. While I wasn’t in love with the guy I was dating at the time, we had a great relationship. And I was in the best shape of my life.

More importantly, I was recognized for my innovation…

I was the founding President of an association geared to young Black professionals in the IT sector. I led the association for two-years, taking it from 20 to 200 members. Nothing like it existed in Canada before and we got a lot of media coverage.

Because of online sports magazine I created (again the first of its kind in Canada), I got tons of media coverage…

The article I’m including appeared on the back page of the sports section in the Toronto Star on a weekday. In fact, the journalist never told me when it would come out. I only knew because a friend called to let me know. I even got a call from the parent company of TSN (equivalent to ESPN) to chat about my little online sports magazine.

I got a lot of attention with very little effort. And I was helping to connect so many people to the right solutions, agencies and opportunities. I loved being the hub.

I seem to have lost all that in my 30s trying to follow the blueprint and trying to please people. Instead of going on my instincts, I let fear drive me towards following a predictable pattern. I had to give up my downtown lifestyle. I was dating, but they’ve all been frogs. I kept experiencing roller coaster revenue. I’ve been plagued by knee problems for the past 5-years which has limited my ability to workout.

I just never seemed to get into a groove in my 30s as I did in my 20s. I try not to look at my 30s with regret, but my soul weeps at how much I lost my sense of adventure trying to model someone’s version of success and someone’s version of who they think I should be. And I don’t even know who this someone is!

I want the sense of adventure I had in my 20s, but with the maturity of the woman I’ve become in my 40s all while embracing the lessons learned from my 30s…

I want to get back into the best shape of my life. I want to be in a healthy relationship with an amazing man. I want to finally live near the lake which has been my childhood dream. I want to become the hub once again and connect people with each other and with amazing opportunities. That article which appeared in a Toronto daily back in 1999 is a reminder that that is all possible once again.